Letters
by alwaysbatogether
Summary: Getting his thoughts down on paper seemed like the best idea as a way to find some small level of peace. He never thought it would bring his heart and soul back to him. Set sometime not too long after NFA. Pairing: BA
1. Chapter 1

-Cordy-

As I sit at this huge desk in my office at work I know that I need to bring our relationship to a close. In memory of you I've decided to type this rather than write it out the old fashioned way I am accustomed to. It just goes to show that you finally made part of technology rub off on me. For the first time I am thankful of that fact. You fought very bravely with me, for me, and against me over the past four or so years. I am thankful that you stayed with me in the beginning when I thought I was better off alone, but I am even more thankful that you allowed me back into your world after I so harshly and rudely threw you and others out of my life. You have been a best friend to me at many points over the past few years when others would have easily given up on me and walked away without looking back. You were there when I would give up on myself and that means more to me than I ever let you know. You are only the second person in all of my years to ever show me that kind of friendship and dependability. I fell in love with the other one and I thought at one point that I was falling in love with you. But I wasn't and I know that I could never love another like I still love my first and only true love. I know now though that the only reason my feelings toward you were changing at all is because of how you took such great care of my son after he was born and his mother was lost in the process of bringing him into this world. I regret that I never really let you know how important your support was to my son and me. It seems though that we ended on a wrong and ugly note as we fought against each other as that monster consumed your body and soul. I wish I could have had the chance to tell you all of this face to face, but now that you are dead and gone I guess that this will have to do as my final way of letting you know your significance in my life. I do love you, but not in that romantic way that I have only ever loved the other person I mentioned earlier. I feel the need to talk about that person, but now is not the time or place…perhaps one day I will be able to talk to that person face to face and really say everything that I have always meant to, but have always been unable to. I don't want to have to write another letter like this one. It saddens me to no end though that neither of you are in my life anymore. I hope that changes one day. I believe that the only way to end this is to say thank you once more and then to say goodbye for the last time. So…Thank You (even for the after effects of the one goodbye kiss) and Goodbye. I may be closing this chapter of my life but you will never be forgotten.

With love,

(signed with only a smear of blood)

Wow, Buffy thought, whoever wrote this must have really been close to this Cordy person. Sounds like they went through a lot together. It feels like a guy wrote it; I bet he's really down after losing her. Too bad he doesn't have that other person in his life anymore. I probably shouldn't have picked this up off Cordy's grave but since I did maybe I can help the guy who wrote it. I'll have to show this to Willow when she gets home.


	2. Chapter 2

"Hey, Will, you gotta read this!" Buffy screamed as Willow came in soaking wet through the front door.

"Okay, but let me dry off first. I wasn't prepared for the suddenness of the rain and I'm soaked to the bone" Willow answered.

As soon as Willow had changed into dry clothes and towel dried her hair Buffy was shoving the letter into her hand and forcing her onto the couch where she had a box of tissues waiting just in case.

"Buffy, where did you get this?" Willow asked as soon as she had read through the letter at least twice.

"It was next to some flowers on the new grave closest to Merrick's. I picked it up because I wanted to save it from the weather in case someone had dropped it by accident. But, with the rain beginning to pound in my eyes I didn't even stop to read the headstone. Since there was no name on the outside I opened it to see if I could find out who it belonged to and ended up reading the letter."

Willow thought that Buffy had done the right thing even though it was now obvious to both women that the letter had been left there on purpose.

"Since, we're all good at finding people I think we should try to find who wrote it and see if we can help him." Buffy offered to Willow as a starting place to help the writer. Willow thought about it but finally said that they didn't have enough information to go on to even begin searching. "I mean, we don't even know it the writer really is a guy."

After a while they decided to turn in for the night since they were getting nowhere on what to do about the letter right then. Buffy did, however, decide that she would go back to the cemetery after work the next day to find out who the grave belonged to and look around for anymore clues that hadn't been washed away.

It was dark by the time Buffy got to the cemetery after work, but she had figured it would be and remembered to bring a flashlight so she could read the headstone. Unfortunately, the headstone yielded little more information than the letter had.

CORDY

Beloved friend and fighter

May you at last find peace

In a world where you are safe from

The horrors of this world that you knew too well

Buffy was surprised that the dates of her life were not even given and that the only decoration on the headstone was the outline of an angel over the inscription. She was beginning to feel that the people who buried this woman didn't want anyone to know anything personal about her or them. There were no signs of the person or persons that Cordy left behind. Wondering what all of this meant Buffy went home and told Willow what she did and did not find. In the end, Buffy decided to write a letter of her own and leave it at the grave in the hopes that a friend (hopefully the writer) would stop by Cordy's grave to remember her or bring flowers and find the letter that Buffy planned on leaving there. Buffy didn't have a problem writing the letter but she couldn't decide who she should address it to since the other had only been singed with a smear of blood. Finally, she just addressed it to "Blood smear" since that's technically how the writer singed the letter.

-Blood Smear-

I found the letter you wrote to Cordy when I was visiting a nearby grave two nights ago. I only picked it up because it was beginning to storm and I thought that the letter may have been dropped accidentally since it looked like the funeral had been held recently. In hopes of finding out who it was to and/or who wrote it I opened and read it then shared it with my best friend. We're sorry to be intruding on your private thoughts and feelings, but if there is any way that either one of us can help you please let us know – I'll leave my cell phone number with my name at the end of the letter. I also know how hard it is to lose your best friend and someone who was very important to your life in many ways. I have lost peoplefor an assortment of reasons.I lost my mother to a brain aneurysm. The days following her death were some of the worst of my life. I am sorry that you are going through a time that sounds equally painful. The only reason I was able to make it through that time was because an old best friend and lover of mine (who had left me acouple years earlier) returned to my side and told me that I was strong enough to face the future. His appearance showed me that if I ever really needed someone then a person who would be able to help me would be there for me. He reminded me that there is always someone out there in the world who loves you and cares about what is happening in your life. I want to be able to help you understand these things and to try to help you find the only person you have truly been in love with. The one you mentioned in you letter to Cordy, but said that you didn't want to talk about. It sounded like that person would really be able to help you now since he/she has been so important to you in the past. I'm pretty good at finding people so just let me know if you want me to help you.

Respectfully yours,

Buffy Summers

(819) 746-3852

Buffy enclosed the letter she wrote and the original letter together in a new envelope and put them back on Cordy's grave after work the next day.


	3. Chapter 3

Two weeks later Buffy had heard nothing from whoever wrote the letter to Cordy and had not allowed herself to go back to Cordy's grave yet. However, she and Willow both thought that it was time to visit the grave and see if there was anything different there. The next day after work Buffy went to the grave and found another typed letter, but this one was addressed to her.

Dear Buffy, First, I would like to thank you for your offer of help, but I cannot call you. If you would though, please agree to meet me in person. I like to talk to people face to face whenever possible. Just leave another note with the date, time, and place that would suit you and I will be there. Until then, thank you for writing to me.

Buffy thought it was weird the way he wouldn't give any personal info about himself, but coughed it up to him just being a secretive person who didn't know who she was or what her response would be. Buffy thought it was for the best that he was being careful about who he met - especially in a cemetery. As usual Buffy filled Willow in on the latest development and the two came up with a time and place. They decided that Buffy and the mystery guy should meet a week from this coming Friday at noon in the front lobby of the police station across from the cemetery. Buffy left this information on Cordy's grave and requested that Friday off from work.

When that Friday morning finally rolled around Buffy was getting a little nervous because she hadn't heard from the mystery man and waswondering if he had gotten the information. She was also wondering how in the world they would recognize each other. Maybe he saw me at the grave one time and he'll know it's me and I won't have to ask everyone there if they've recently been leaving notes on graves Buffy thought.She arrived at the police station at a quarter till noon and took a seat on one of the benches against the wall in the front lobby. She had no idea that the guy she was supposed to meet was already watching her and that he was wondering for the billionth time how he had gotten so lucky that she had been the one to find and respond to the letterthat really wasn't supposed to be found or read by anyone. Of course, if he had wanted anyone to read it he would have chosen her anddidn't mind at all that she had read it. Stealthily and just a bit fearfully Angel made his was toward the bench where Buffy had sat down and was now staring through the front doors.

With her nerves already being on edge Buffy no paid no attention to that little tingle at the base of spine that was beginning to spread throughout her body until it was too late. "Buffy," Angel all but whispered as he came to stand beside her sitting form.

Buffy whipped her head around so fast it was a wonder she didn't break her neck. Her mouth gaped open and her eyes widened in shock at the sound of his voice and the very nearness of his body. "Angel!" Buffy rasped back still in shock. At the sound of his name coming from her lips Angel felt his knees begin to weaken so he quickly sat down beside her and took her hands in his as he did so. "I was afraid that you wouldn't come if you knew that it was me who wrote the letters. I do need your help and I do need to talk to you. There is so much that you need to know. But, can we do this somewhere more private?" Angel asked simply. "Yeah, okay," was all Buffy could manage in response. "Great, thank youfor that Buffy. Just follow meand we'll go back to my place." Angel told her as he stood still holding her hand and led her to the back where the sewer entrance was.


	4. Chapter 4

All Buffy could manage at that point was to allow him to lead her back to his place while her mind raced over all that he, Angel, had written in that first letter to the one and only Cordelia Chase. Before Buffy had a real chance to process what all this new information and perspective meant they had arrived back at Angel's apartment.

Once in the apartment Buffy looked around and began to feel like she was acquainted with the whole place. "Angel, this place feels familiar and I haven't been here five minutes yet." Angel told her that this was his apartment that had blown up at the end of his first year in LA (he bought the basement level of the rebuilt building). "It's really changed since you and Faith were last here but it's not surprising that you can sense when you have been somewhere before even if it has been years."

"Okay, Buffy, let's try this as a starting point. Did you already know that Cordy had been in a coma for about 8 months before she actually died?" Angel asked trying to gauge Buffy's response to seeing him again and finding out that he was the writer.

"Yeah, I knew that much, but if she died after only 8 months in the coma why did it look like she had just been buried?"

"Because I had just had her body moved, and I wrote that letter to her just before the big battle against WRH. The battle destroyed so much…I found a cemetery that hadn't been disturbed and had her body moved there as a way to give her more peace. Even though I'd had the letter for a while by then I wanted to wait until she was in her new grave before I gave it to her and you, as it turns out." Angel answered and waited for the next question.

"Okay, well all that makes sense. I wish I had been here to help out with the battle though. You know that I would have been here to fight by your side if you had only let me know what was going on."

"Yeah, I do know that and that's exactly why I didn't want to ask you. I didn't want you to risk your life for me. You risk your life often enough without me adding my problems to your own." Angel explained. He hoped that Buffy wouldn't think he was trying to make her decisions for her again though. Luckily for him Buffy had grown up over the past few years and knew that he wasn't trying to run her life, but that he was trying to let her have her own life. He had always wanted her to have the life, any life, that she wanted to have. Buffy knew that now, at last.

"Okay, I think it is time that you tell me everything there is to know about your son." Buffy demanded as she settled back into the plush couch cushions knowing this story may take awhile and that she would not like parts of it.

At first the statement caught Angel of guard, but then he remembered that he had mentioned Connor and Darla in the letter to Cordy. After that he actually began to feel a little relieved, because he was finally going to be able to tell Buffy everything that had happened and how he had wished that most of it had ended better.

"Well, it really all starts with WRH. They brought Darla back as a human, and their goal was for her to drive me crazy, get rid of me, kill me, or whatever so that I wouldn't be able to get in their way anymore. At first it was working, I thought I was just imagining it or having nightmares about her being back. I mean it'd been almost four years since I dusted her and it had never bothered me before, so 'why know' I thought. Then I found out she really was back and as a human she had a soul. Then we found out that she was dying and we couldn't do anything about it. That's when things really started going bad. Dru showed up,turned Darla and I wasn't able to stop them before they started their rampage on the city. I pushed everyone away and became obsessed with stopping Darla and Dru. Without the support of the friends I once had to back me I soon let myself sink into a depression as bad as our last Christmas together. I hit rock bottom and Darla was there with me when it happened. Of course she had been trying to get me to lose my soul and that night I just wanted the pain to stop. I was willing to do anything to make it stop. I wasn't thinking about losing my soul, just stopping the pain, and I gave into Darla. Our fight turned into rough sex and when I woke up beside her I knew things would finally begin to get better. The only way I had to go was up. For a moment I let Darla believe I had lost my soul, but then I told her all I felt with her was pure despair and that if I ever saw her again I would stake her." Angel stopped and sat down on the couch with Buffy. While Angel had been talking and pacing she had sat, unmoving, and with her head bowed since he first mentioned his soul. After a minute of having Angel just sitting beside her Buffy was able to look up and into his eyes. It was obvious that Buffy had been crying silently and Angel was rendered speechless. "I'm not sure how to feel or react. I feel angry that you gave up and didn't care, terrified that it could have been reality to face Angelus again, and completely relieved that you felt complete despair with Darla. Before you staked her that night in the Bronze I was already scared of losing you to her and we hadn't even known each other that long. I couldn't believe it when you staked your sire." Buffy's emotions were still on a roller coaster ride, but getting that off her chest was helping and so was the fact that Angel looked relieved. Angel had thought that Buffy would react with anger, even a little violence, and he wasn't prepared for how not angry she was.

"Okay, so you slept with Darla that night and somehow she ended up pregnant,' Buffy summarized, 'then what happened?"

"Well, after that night she left and I heard nothing from her or about her until she showed up on my doorstep nine months pregnant. Her appearance shocked all of us and the gang got mad at me for not telling them that we had slept together. Anyway, the same time she shows up another person from our past shows up also. He was a man that Darla and I had tortured but not killed, and in return he hunted us all over Europe. Holtz, was his name and, at the time, I had no idea how he came to be in the present – he should have been dead over a hundred years ago. Holtz wanted to kill Darla and me,but when he found usand saw that she was pregnanthe decided that the best way to hurt me would be to take my child away from me. In the meantime, Darla had to stake herself to bring the baby into the world. For a month or so I was able to be with the baby, Connor, and keep him from harm. Then Wesley believed that he had found a prophecy about Connor and me that said I would kill my son. Wesley kidnapped Connor and turned him over to Holtz. I tried to get him back, to save him from Holtz and from whatever Holtz was going to do to him, but I failed. Holtz took him into another dimension. I tried to find Connor, to bring him back – I even used black magik. But nothing worked. Connor came back a few months later from that hell dimension where Holtz had raised him. He came back a seventeen year old who hated me with every fiber of his being. Holtz had taught him to believe I was Angelus and needed to be disposed of. I don't know if Holtz ever knew about my soul or that I am still trying to make up for all the wrong Angelus did." Angel, who had again been pacing while he was talking, stopped and once again sat down with Buffy. This time when he looked into her eyes they were full of anger. Angel knew though that she was mad at Holtz and not him. However, as Angel and Buffy continued to look each other in the eye Buffy began crying silently. Buffy cried because she knew how much Angel would have wanted a child and how hurt he would have been to have that child yanked from his life by anyone, but the especially combination of a best friend and an enemy. Buffy cried because Connor didn't know or understand the whole story of his father's life, and because he was capable of hating his father. As Buffy cried Angel wiped the tears from her cheeks not realizing that he had also started crying until she wiped away his tears also. In a whisper Angel told her that the story wasn't over yet, but that he was okay to continue if she was. Buffy nodded for him to continue.

"I survived, Buffy, remember that. I had to fight Connor, Cordy and their child to end all of this hatred and pain. But now I can honestly say that it was all worth it. After the battle that left Cordy in a comma, and their child – a pure demon – dead, Connor was on the brink of insanity. I had to do something and that something came along in the form of WRH. They had the power to give Connor a normal life and so, I allowed them to change all of his memories and the memories of anyone close to us who knew of Connor's existence. It worked. My team didn't remember Connor, his relationship with Cordy or the battle against Jasmine. Only I knew the truth about him and his actual past. After his memories were altered I looked in on him and found him happily looking forward to going off to college. He was happier and more at peace than I had ever seen him before and I knew that I had done the right thing. Several months later though, Connor's "parents" brought him into WRH at the discovery of his superhuman strength."

"Yeah, I was so excited and pumped when I was able to fight those demon guys and not get hurt at all" Connor interrupted and announced his presence, at which both Buffy and Angel looked up with surprise and shock on their faces. Then Angel smiled and chuckled to himself at the memory of the day he looked up and saw Connor walking into his office behind Wesley. At hearing Angel chuckle Buffy looked at him in shock and asked what the hell was funny enough to make him even sorta begin to laugh. Angel grinned at her and told her that over the years he had learned to laugh and smile some, especially right after Conner was born. Angel then turned to Connor and asked him if he would like to pick up telling the story to Buffy. Connor nodded quickly and silently thanked his father for giving him his first opportunity to talk to Buffy and begin getting to know her.


	5. Chapter 5

"So my 'parents' brought me into WRH. I had no idea at the time that I knew several of the people I was coming face to face with. They didn't know me either, except for Dad." Connor told Buffy the story of how he got his memories back and explained that he had been trying to get to know his father better ever since. "Of course the End of Days got in the way a little. I knew something was really wrong when Dad came in search of me and acted like he was trying not to say good-bye. I wanted to help so a couple of hours later I showed up at WRH and helped Dad as much as I could. Obviously, everything worked out for the best for us." Connor noted with a smile from ear to ear on his face. Buffy could feel how much he looked up to and respected his father now and she was delighted to hear Connor refer to Angel as "Dad."

Buffy looked up at Angel and asked simply "Now what?" Angel suggested the two them go out for dinner. Buffy agreed and Angel told her that he would pick her up at 8pm. She gave him her address.

Willow answered the door, and was expecting to see Angel on the other side. Angel, though, wasn't expecting the red head to answer the door and was caught off guard.

"Uh…Wil…Willow, how are you doing??" "Hey, Angel, I'm good and Buffy is almost ready so come on in" Willow greeted him. Hesitantly, Angel stepped through the doorway toward Willow with a mumbled thanks. She gestured him toward the couch in the living room. They took seats at opposite ends of the couch, but Willow wasn't about to let this opportunity pass her by. Taking a letter out of her pocket she turned toward Angel. "I know that I may not have always been the best friend that Buffy needed me to be and that I was not as supportive of her relationship with you as I should have been. I want to share a couple things with you, but I write out my thoughts and feelings better than I can verbalize them…especially in this situation." Willow handed Angel the letter then asked him to read it when he was alone and to not say anything to Buffy yet. All Angel could manage was a nod and whispered "okay" because he was trying to think of what Willow could possibly feel so strongly about that she had to put it in a letter.

"I thought I heard a knock at the door!" Buffy exclaimed as she breezed into the room. Her eyes locked with Angel's and her smile brightened exponentially. Angel felt the same way. He could stay lost in her eyes for days at a time. Finally, it was Willow who laughingly asked if they were still planning to go out to eat or just stay here starring at each other all night. With that they broke their gaze. Buffy blushed and Angel put his arm around her as they headed out into the night.

Angel had picked a quiet and out of the way restaurant for dinner. They both felt more comfortable in the silence of night and darkness and easily picked up the earlier train of conversation needing to catch up on the other's life. Buffy hit the highlights of her past couple years living and working in London with Giles, Willow, and Dawn. They had formed a new Watcher's Council where all the slayers activated by Willow's spell were trained. She told of how Dawn was well on her way to becoming a Watcher, and how the girls weren't forced to stay once they understood their calling and the changes it would permanently make to their lives. Angel could tell that part meant a lot to Buffy and figured that it was her idea to begin with even though she never attempted to take credit for anything. Finally, she asked, "So I guess you're wondering why Willow and I are back in L.A. now?" "The question has crossed my mind," Angel answered with his lopsided grin. "I know who I am now and more importantly I accept and realize that every part of me is essential to who I am. Being a slayer isn't a job to me anymore, it's natural…and I enjoy that part of me. I don't dread what tomorrow may bring. I understand that good and bad things will happen to me whether I'm the slayer or not and whether or not I have close friends and family. I am here now because I want to find the answers to my remaining questions. Questions that I need your help to answer. Willow's along for moral support, guidance, and the fact that we make a really powerful demon ass kicking team. I also think that she is searching for her own answers, but she hasn't let me in on that yet," Buffy explained.

"Angel, I want to go into more detail about my past…all the way back to high school really…Buffy told him as she reached into her purse and pulled out a letter which she gently slid across the table to him…but before we have that discussion I need you to read this and let me know your decision." Angel looked at her curiously and started to ask why she seemed saddened by the letter, but let it drop for the time being. They finished their meal, paid the tab, and walked back to Buffy's. Angel saw her to the door, pressed a kiss to her forehead, smiled into her eyes and promised to drop by tomorrow after sunset. Buffy nodded and watched him leave…with the fear that he may choose to break that promise.


	6. Chapter 6

An hour later Angel had locked himself in his library, lit a small fire in the fireplace, and made himself comfortable in his leather chair with Buffy's letter in his hand…

My Angel,

Before I get started I want you to know that I love you and I am so sorry. I am so sorry I haven't told you all this before, that I don't have the courage to do it in person; but most of all, I am so so sorry that it happened in the first place. It was after I came back from Heaven, after we had our meeting. I started having a relationship with Spike. It wasn't healthy in any way, but it was the only time I could feel any emotion. Of course the emotions I felt with him were anger and sadness mostly, but at least it was something. At the time I was numb to the core; it was too confusing to be back on the hellmouth again. That was the time I hated being a slayer the most even though it was also the one thing in my life that made any sense. Eventually, I began to find my footing in the world again and started to smile for real instead of faking it with the gang. It took a long time…almost a year before I felt like being back here was good and that I was glad to be back. I finally saw that I had a chance to live with my friends and family, a chance to be a part of their lives and to rebuild my own life. It was at this point I was able to realize I had to end this twisted relationship with Spike. At first it seemed to work – my breaking up with him that is, but then he became more and more of a nuisance. His anger at being rejected, or whatever, by me boiled over one night. I had been out slaying and had taken a decent beating in the process. Anyway, I had gotten home and was getting ready to take a long hot bath when he came in. I tried to fight him off, and you think it would have been easy for me to do as a slayer, but he came so close rapping me. How could I have let it get to that point? Angel, please, I am so sorry and ashamed I ever allowed a relationship like that to begin in the first place and that I didn't stop it sooner. I am terrified that you aren't going to be able to even stand the sight of me after learning this. And that scares me more than almost everything I have ever faced before and you know that's saying a lot.

Forever and Always,

Your Buffy

Angel barely finished the letter before he was out the door and on his way to Buffy's. He felt like he couldn't get there fast enough, and that he had to make sure she was safe. The only other thought that had entered his mind was Spike's death, but right now Buffy was far more important.

The house Buffy and Willow were renting was two stories and he knew Buffy's bedroom was on the second floor. He wanted to go to her directly – he didn't want to have to deal with Willow. There was an old tree around the back of the house with a limb close to a window. In no time Angel was looking in the window – it was a hallway. The window was open so Angel quietly opened it and slipped inside. As he closed the window he listened to two heartbeats making sure he hadn't woken either. He quickly followed Buffy's vanilla and sun mixture scent to her door. Taking a deep and unnecessary breath Angel turned the door knob and gently pushed the door open – he was amazed there no sound except when it clicked shut behind him. Now moving into her bedroom where he could finally lay eyes on her sleeping form he began to relax.

He stood at the foot of her bed for what seemed like hours just watching her. His need, though, to know for sure she was safe and unharmed finally won again and he walked to the side of the bed and sat down next to her. Still asleep Buffy turned toward him, murmuring his name, and Angel slowly reached out to stroke the outline of face. She turned her face into his hand and he leaned down to whisper "Buffy, beloved, wake up…everything is fine, but I need you to wake up."

Slowly, Buffy opened her eyes and found herself into Angel's deep chocolate brown eyes. They held the gaze as Buffy to sit up, and as she did so she realized she could see tears swimming in his eyes. Before she could say anything though Angel put a finger to her lips, and said, "There's nothing you could do, there's nothing anyone could do to you, and there's nothing anyone could ever do to me to make me stop loving you. I am the one who is sorry, and you did nothing wrong. I love you, Buffy." The tears were running down both their faces now as they hugged and held each other as tightly as possible. Eventually, they did let go enough to look at one another again. "Are you okay, and tell me the truth, please don't ever be afraid of telling me anything, no matter how bad or embarrassing or sad or painful it is. Please know you can talk to me face to face without being scared," Angel pleaded. Buffy nodded her agreement and whispered, "Yes, Angel, I am fine. The bruises were gone that day after and Spike and I made our peace after he returned to Sunnydale with his soul. I'm sorry that I let you down…" "Buffy, stop, please, despite having had a sexual relationship with him in the past you don't know Spike like I do. You did nothing wrong, what happened was not your fault. I love you and nothing is going to change that," Angel exclaimed in a fierce whisper. Since his arms were still around her Angel could feel the tension and stress leave Buffy's back and neck as she began to accept all that he said. With her head now on his shoulder Buffy sleepily said thank you followed by I love you too. Angel lightly chuckled to himself and laid her back into the pillows reminding her that he'd be back just after sundown. With that Buffy smiled and drifted off back to sleep. Not wanting her to wake up believing it had all been a dream Angel found a blank piece of paper and a pen. He quickly wrote a note and left it on her bedside table, and left as quietly as he had come.

Seated back in his leather chair once more Angel opened the letter Willow had given him.

Angel,

I don't know how much Buffy has told you so far about the years in London; so I'll try to get to the point quickly. I have had a couple different relationships since leaving Sunnydale (or the crater) behind. However, none have been fulfilling for me. Buffy and I have spent many hours talking about our relationships and feelings over the years. I know you two are supposed to be together and I am sorry I didn't do more to make that happen sooner. Without Buffy knowing I have been working to find a way to make sure your soul is permanent (if you haven't already). I believe I have the answer if you still need it. It is the gypsy curse with out the loophole. Your curse was about the only starting place I had and since I still had a copy of the curse…well to get to the point – I was able to translate it and remove the loophole. Sounds easier that it proved to be, but that's not important. Back to relationships…I would like to have a chance to share the intimacy and closeness that defines your relationship with Buffy for myself. I had that chance once…I lost touch with Oz years ago and I'm going to start looking for him here in L.A. Do you know where he is, or have you kept in touch with him at all? I'll probably see you soon…Thanks for always loving Buffy the way she deserves to be loved.

Simply,

Willow

Angel sat there just stunned.

He didn't really want to allow himself to believe that it could be that simple. Do the curse without the loophole – damn – that sounded simple and almost too good to be true. But he had faith in the wicca and knew she wouldn't joke around with him on the subject of his soul. Turning his thoughts to other portion of her letter he figured finding Oz would be fairly easy. Angel only hoped a response from the werewolf would be quick so he would have good news for Willow. It was the least he could do.

...

Buffy woke late the next morning feeling more rested and at peace than she had in years. Opening her eyes Buffy blinked against the sunlight remembering her dream where Angel came in the night to assure her of his love for her no matter what had happened to her. Smiling at the memory of the dream Buffy rolled onto her side toward the bedside table to check the clock and saw a note waiting for her. She immediately knew the handwriting to be Angel's and her heart began to hammer at the thought that her dream had been reality.

Beloved,

I love you and nothing that has happened in you past could change that. Of course I feel like killing Spike, but nothing that happened to you was your fault. Our conversation last night was not a dream so please rest assured that I am looking forward to seeing you later.

Forever Yours,

Angel

Buffy floated through the rest of her day. She couldn't wait to see Angel again.


	7. Chapter 7

Angel spent few of the daylight hours actually asleep, but he didn't really need the rest anyway. Speaking briefly with Buffy in the middle of the night about her letter to him allowed him to now focus on Willow's letter. First, he needed to contact Oz. Simple enough since they had been able to keep in touch over the years. Angel picked up the phone, dialed the number, and left a message that was simple and straight to the point. Neither of them were big talkers.

After that brooding became Angel's main activity until it was time to meet Buffy. He couldn't help but think about this new future that was possibly being laid out in front of him. Could it really be? Could he and Buffy really have what they both so desperately wanted, but never really allowed themselves to believe in? He knew he had to talk to Buffy tonight and actually do the curse without the loophole before he made any concrete plans. Obviously, he would be telling Buffy with Willow there since he wanted to make sure once again that Willow was sure it could be done.

As Angel was about to walk out the door the phone rang:

Hello.

Hey, Angel. It's Oz. I got your message and I'm actually on my way to LA already. I should be there by sunrise tomorrow.

Oz, great to hear from you so quickly! I'm back in my original apartments if you want to come by tomorrow around dusk.

That's fine; see you then.

Thanks, bye.

Angel was pleased to have good news for Willow and silently hoped Oz wouldn't mind the surprise is store for him.

This time it was Buffy who answered the door. She opened the door wide to see him just standing there smiling at her and she didn't think twice about throwing herself into his arms. Due to the 3 feet that had separated them Angel was able to brace himself for the force of the jump at him. His arms closed protectively around her and he cherished the feel of her body pressed so tightly to his.

Five minutes later they were all seated around the kitchen table. Angel began by addressing Buffy. "Yesterday you both gave me a letter. Buffy, I hope that you begin to realize how much you mean to me. Again, I love you no matter what happened in your past or what is yet to happen in the future." Then he turned to Willow putting a hand over her already clasped hands saying, "I'm not sure where to start." Willow understood he wanted her to decide which topic in her letter she wanted him to cover first, and that he wanted to make sure Willow was ready for Buffy to know. "Go ahead, Angel, she needs to know" Willow responded with a sly grin. They both then turned to Buffy who was looking a little upset about being the last to know. After a moments pause Angel locked eyes with Buffy and took both her hands in his gripping them tightly.

"Willow believes…" Angel tried to begin.

Willow cut him off. "No. Angel, I know!"

Angel looked at her for a moment then refocused on Buffy. "Okay, Willow knows…Buffy, she knows…"

"Angel, what?…What's wrong? Please just tell me," Buffy broke in impatiently.

"Nothing is wrong, Baby. I'm sorry it's still just settling in with me. Buffy, my soul can be bound permanently." Angel was amazed he was finally able to look Buffy in the eye and say that.

Buffy sat in shock for a minute not quite able to fully absorb the words she had never allowed herself to believe would ever be spoken. Then she looked at Willow who nodded in agreement to Angel's statement. Buffy then just looked back and forth between the other two before throwing her arms around Willow's neck as words of gratitude passed her lips. Angel smiled to himself as he slowly began again to allow himself picturing his future with Buffy. After a minute or so Willow passed a silently crying Buffy to Angel's waiting arms and excused herself from the room.

Angel rubbed Buffy's back in slow circles while he let Buffy regain control over her emotions.

Quietly, Buffy asked, "How will she be able to bind your soul?"

"Willow has researched to learn all she can about the Romani who originally cursed me. She knows my curse inside and out now. Willow is confident that she can now remove the happiness clause."

"Does that mean we have to get rid of your soul to be able to redo the curse?"

Taking a deep, physically unnecessary breath Angel whispered yes.

"Okay, that'll be ok. We know it's happening and he will have no chance of being free…Angel look at me - it's well worth the risk. I'm older and stronger - both physically and mentally and it's worth the risk. I love you!"

"Buffy, I've been thinking about this non stop since reading Willow's letter and I agree with you. I don't want to risk Angelus loose, but I will not and can not lose my chance to be with you. I've made that mistake - I will not do so again!" Angel told her proudly.

Angel and Buffy shared a few more quiet minutes together before he filled her in on the second part of Willow's letter and his plans so far. Buffy was thrilled that Oz would be back so soon and called Willow back into the kitchen.

"Willow you have given Buffy and I news that will change both our lives forever. I don't know how to express my gratitude, but I have an idea on how to begin. I've always kept in touch with Oz. The last time I saw him was the battle with WHR and I was so relieved he came to help. I have already spoken with him today and he'll be at my place tomorrow around dusk. If you are ready I would like for you both to come on over as well so we can get this curse fixed," Angel informed her.

"Yeah ready to go with the curse anytime, but Oz…ohymgod," Willow looked at Buffy with wide eyes, "I'm going to see him tomorrow? Oh I need to get my thoughts together for him or I won't know what to say. You guys have a great night!" Willow dashed from the room before Buffy or Angel could say another word. Then they burst out laughing.

"Want to move into the living room where the couch is more comfy?" Buffy asked.

Angel answered simply by picking her up and walking into the other room.


	8. Chapter 8

Settling on the couch Buffy snuggled into Angel who remained a little tense. "Buffy, the other night, you said there was stuff from high school that you wanted to talk about?"

"Yeah, I have a few questions, but you don't have to answer right now. I understand needing to get your thoughts together and I don't want to put you on the spot" Buffy began.

"Ok, what's on your mind?" Angel asked.

"Umm, well this is more embarrassing than I thought it would be by now…when, when we were together on my 17th birthday …afterward, when Angelus came back to the apartment..."

"Buffy stop!" Angel interrupted. "Oh, Buffy please don't- god I knew I should have found a time to talk to you about that first encounter years ago. Buffy, the memory of making love with you that night is one of the brightest and strongest memories I have. You were amazing and I'll treasure it always. One of the most difficult things I have ever had to do is keep my hands, mouth, and body separate from yours. And now soon, I'll show you." Angel told her as he silently cursed Angelus and wished that Buffy remembered the day that wasn't.

As Angel's hands cupped her face and she saw the love mixed with regret shining in his eyes she realized they had to wait for his soul to be bound. After that she would have no more doubts on this topic. "Okay, moving on, what does the Claddagh ring mean to you and also this?" She asked him as she pulled her hair off her shoulder to expose his mark on her neck.

Angel stared at his mark for a minute and then met her gaze. "I'll tell you everything about those two symbols and the cultures that gave them to me, but I do need to get my thoughts together. I don't want to stumble through an explanation on them when they are both so important to who we are together."

"I thought as much. I know they're sensitive topics between us, but we need to sort everything out if our future relationship is going to work like we want it to. I don't want past wounds keeping us apart. I love you, Angel."

"And I love you" Angel whispered in her ear as he pulled her into a gentle, loving hug and realized again how much she had grown and matured in the years they had been apart. Then he kissed her brow and told her he was going home to get his thoughts together.

Buffy, also wondering whether or not she should check on Willow, saw Angel to the door.

Back at his apartment Angel pulled out the matching Claddagh rings and tried to unscramble the thoughts running through his mind.

My Beloved,

In the 18th century Galway I was raised in as a human the Claddagh rings were usually exchanged between a man and woman when they became engaged. The culture recognized that these two people belonged to one another. The crown is for loyalty, the hands for friendship, and the heart for love. You have had my heart from the first time I saw you on the steps of Hemry High School hours before you were called as the next slayer. The custom in Galway was that once the were exchanged and worn with the hearts pointing in, like ours, the couple was expected to marry very soon. I just didn't ask you to marry me that night. I never thought that you would actually marry me - especially when we're now in the 21st century, you were 17, the tradition on the rings isn't what it used to be, and, of course, my being a vampire didn't help either. But I had to give you that ring - and tell you what the symbols meant so that you would have proof - a physical reminder - of my feelings for you. I have always belonged to you and I will always belong to you. I found your ring when I came back from hell, and once able to, I put it away with mine.

Belonging to each other…well that leads us to your second question. The mark on you neck is the vampric sign for a mate. I'm unsure of what you already know about this. The bond between a vampire and their mate is the strongest between vampires. Stronger than the bond between sire and childe. The mark shows other vampires that you are taken and can't be touched by them. It was such an intense and intimate moment between us and it was then - when you offered your own blood willing that Angelus stopped wanting to destroy you. For once the demon and soul were in agreement - you were to be protected in any way, at any cost. You may have been with Spike in the past, but I'm sure he never touched the mark or fed from you. Only I have that right and it's a strong custom we have lived by from the beginning of our kind. The scar you wear is just an outside sign of our internal bond. The bond itself allows us to actually feel each other even when we're separated. It tells us where the other is, a sense of the physical distance between us, and also allows us to know if that other is feeling any emotion very strongly. Of course, the more physical distance there is between us the less we're able to feel from the bond. And since I'm the vampire I can feel everything more strongly than you can.

You are my heat and soul. Nothing will separate us again once the curse is permanently in place. I am looking forward to showing you just how special you are.

My eternal love,

Angel

Once again in the dead of night Angel slipped into Buffy's room. This time he did not wake her, but left his letter propped up on the bedside table so she would have it first thing in the morning.


	9. Chapter 9

Upstairs in her room, Willow had written a letter of her own.

Dear Oz,

Suddenly, I have no idea where to begin. I believe that everything happens for a reason…even if we don't know what that reason is. As I saw it my freshman year of college – you left me. It was just that plain and simple. I couldn't put a "why" to it because nothing seemed to make sense. Every reason or excuse I came up with was followed by "but he wouldn't do that if he loved me" and I knew you loved me. Over the years I have come to realize that the reason you left was because you had to. Your love for me at the time would have supported that need. I understand now that it wasn't me you had to leave, but that it was yourself you had to find and come to terms with. I'm sure you know the wolf inside much better now and that you have been able to make peace with it on some level. In the years you've been gone I have also learned much about myself. To explain all that would take a novel so I'll just tell you the most important. I am in love with you. I never stopped loving you and I never will. For years I envied the type of love Buffy and Angel share until I finally realized that I also have that depth of feeling for you. I realize that there's a good chance you may not return these feelings any longer, but I wanted you to know. I'll always feel this way and I'll always be here if you ever need anything.

Truly,

Willow

Buffy had poked her head into Willow's room once, seen her writing at the desk and silently closed the door again so she didn't disturb her friend's thoughts. Willow finished the letter and fell into bed emotionally exhausted. Neither Buffy nor Willow heard Angel come and go a couple hours later, but that was the point after all.

...

At dusk the next day Angel answered the knock on his door to find Oz standing there.

Angel, hey man.

Oz, good to see you again.

Angel glanced at the clock as Oz walked in and noted the girls would soon be here. Angel showed Oz to the living room and for two guys who usually have little to say they chatted easily about what each had been up to since they had last seen each other. About half an hour later there was another knock on the door.

Oz looked quizzically at Angel, "having a party?"

Party? No. But yes to more company.

Opening the door Angel greeted Buffy and Willow, "Hello ladies" as he gestured them into the apartment.

Oz spotted Buffy first and guessed who would be next in his line of vision.

Willow shyly peaked around Buffy to see Oz for the first time in years. "Hi Oz," she said quietly.

Oz just smiled and nodded, not sure what was expected of him at this point. Thankfully Buffy and Angel stepped in.

"A few days ago Willow told Buffy and I that she can make my soul permanent. In order to redo the curse though, I have to lose my soul. I was hoping you wouldn't mind lending your strength to the matter, in case it's needed. Willow also wanted to find you so I made that simple for her," Angel explained.

Oz took a deep breath, "Well that was a mouthful. What exactly do we need to do to anchor your soul?"

Willow, who had been wondering down memory lane caught back up with reality, "Well, there's not many supplies to get together…Angel probably has them on hand, but I didn't bring the Orb. I really wasn't thinking about doing the spell tonight, although it would be better with the four of us. It's not required but it could be helpful for the three of us to form a triangle around Angel."

"I WAS hoping that it would be tonight. The sooner the better so Angel here can't talk himself out of losing his soul, so I grabbed the Orb from your room," Buffy supplied as she handed the orb to Willow.

Angel and Willow went over what was needed and what he had. As predicted Angel had it all and the two began to set up the candles and other necessary materials. Meanwhile, Buffy tried to mentally prepare herself for being face to face with Angelus again. She also was worried and wondering how Angel was going to lose his soul. Oz simply sat back and observed.

Finally, everything was ready. Willow directed each person into place, gave them instructions and nodded to Angel. It was as safe as it ever would be for him to lose his soul.

Angel closed his eyes, closed out all external events, stopped internally competing with Angelus, completely lowered his mental guard, and opened himself to the memories of the day that wasn't. He saw Buffy in the sunlight, their kiss, and then the breaking of the kitchen table followed by some of the happiest hours and most perfect moments he had ever experienced. Suddenly, he was on his knees in pain and felt his soul ripping away, just like the first time. Angelus reared his head in full game face with a terrifying growl. Still in pain Angelus struggled to stand and take account of the three surrounding him. Before he could fully gain his bearings on the situation though Willow had already began chanting the much improved Romany curse.

Buffy watched in agonizing suspense as Angelus locked eyes with her. All she saw in his eyes confused her, it wasn't purely hatred. He looked possessively at her, and… was he proud of her? The orb glowed then and so did Angel's eyes just as they had before she ran the sword through him. Buffy recognized the successfulness of the spell, but glanced to Willow to make sure it was okay to break formation and Willow nodded.

Buffy rushed to kneel beside Angel who was on his hand and knees trying to catch his unneeded breath. She moved to pull him down into her lap as best she could and they sat on the floor together not noticing Oz and Willow moving toward each other.

"Oz, I …uh I… is there somewhere we could talk privately?" Willow asked.

"Yeah, besides they need some privacy anyway" Oz replied as he gestured to Buffy and Angel who were still oblivious to all but each other.

Willow quickly nodded and scribbled a note to the reunited lovers who now had a chance at a real future together.

Buffy and Angel,

Oz and I wanted to talk and to give you guys some time alone. All you need to know about yourselves now is "and they lived happily ever after." Oz and I are hopefully going to start working on our own happy ending. Wish me luck! We'll catch up later.

Love Always,

Willow

**...**

**Quick note: An epilogue will be the next and last chapter.**


	10. Chapter 10

**Quick Note:**

**Thank you! to all who have read this. If you also reviewed it then double thanks go out to you. I am just thankful to have completed this one. Obviously, if you look at original posted date, it took me a lot longer to complete than I ever thought it would. Thanks for seeing me to the end. This epilogue is going to be short and sweet. See you next story!**

…**..**

Epilogue

Caught up the in afterglow of their lovemaking Buffy and Angel just lay snuggled in each other's arms.

"This is real. I can't believe we did it. Pinch me please, Angel," Buffy said as she turned in Angel's arms so she could face him and look him in the eye. "And you are still here beside me."

Angel took that line as his opening to get into the one matter Buffy had asked him about, but that he had not yet explained or, really, in this case…apologized for.

"Buffy," he started as looked into her eyes, "I am in love with you. I have been in love with you since I saw you walking down the steps of Hemry just hours before you were called. Our relationship has only grown and strengthened since I gave you that cross necklace. My love for you continues to deepen as I am continuously amazed that you love me back. That you chose me. No one, except the Romany, knew that there was a loophole to the curse. Angelus used that fact against you for the first encounter. He knew who you would be expecting and he knew how to hurt you. So he did. Just because he could. And because he hated you for making him feel human."

Angel stopped there knowing he had given a lot of information although he thought on some level that Buffy had figured it out years ago.

Buffy nodded, accepting his words and feeling relieved that what she had mostly figured out long ago was correct. Then she stayed silent as she sensed that Angel wasn't done just yet.

He began again, "If there had been no loophole in the curse then you would have awoken in my arms. I would have continued to watch you sleep for as long as I could. And when you finally woke up next to me it would have been in the same position we are laying in now. I would have kissed your nose and said good morning, and then I would have whispered in your ear how much I love you. And then I would have made love to you again before I even thought of letting you leave my bed. You were hot and passionate and very arousing that night on your 17th birthday, and Buffy I don't know how you do it but you are even hotter, more passionate, and more arousing now than you were then. Just being with you makes me happier than I ever thought I would be."

As he finished telling her everything he had been preparing to tell her for years now he felt a burden lift from his shoulders. Now, it didn't feel as though Angelus' words and deeds were hanging over his head so closely. Gently cupping Buffy's cheek he leaned in to kiss away the tears that had slid from her eyes during his little speech.

Swiftly, and confidently, Buffy angled her head so that Angel's next attempt to kiss away her tears landed on her lips. The second she was successful she kissed him deeply and pressed the full length of her body against his. No more words were needed between them. They had exposed some of their deepest wounds and now the wounds would heal more completely than time alone could ever have managed.


End file.
